Tomas Ahlbeck » English

Cedric Newman at Klavér

Tomas — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 22:46:05 +0000

Tonight I performed at Kafé Klavér in Stockholm. In the second act they put a Canadian comedian that just dropped in and asked if he could do some minutes. The comedian was Cedric Newman, and man was he good!

Here is a clip I found on YouTube, just so you can get a glimpse of this comedy genius.

To Cedric, if you read this … hope to be able to see your macarena live again soon.

Bloggar.se tags: tomas ahlbeck, standup, stand up, cedric newman, kafé klavér, humor, humour, komiker, stockholm

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Tomas på Liffey

Tomas — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 09:32:46 +0000

Ikväll ska jag vara på klubben Laughs at the Liffey i Stockholm. Dörrarna öppnar och showen börjar 20:30.

Förra gången jag var där gick det riktigt bra, och jag hoppas att det kommer att funka ikväll också. Kommer att köra en del nytt material, samt några grejer som jag kört en gång på Big Ben tidigare, fast då på svenska.
Visst skulle jag kunna sejfa och köra enbart sådant jag vet att jag får skratt på, men som jag ser det så håller jag fortfarande på att utveckla såväl mig själv som min akt. Om jag inte vågar köra nytt material bara för att det är på ett annat språk än mitt eget så utvecklas jag inte.

Nog om mig. Det är ett riktigt bra gäng jag delar scenen med.

Behrad Rouzbeh har jag kört samtidigt som förr, på såväl Big Ben som Komikaze.
Fredrik Lord är känd och välrenommerad.
Louis Zezeran var med i Bungyfinalen, precis som jag, i december.
Alireza Shokouhi har jag också kört samtidigt som, bland annat på Komikaze. Vi bor åt samma håll på tunnelbanan dessutom
Pernilla Hammargren har jag såväl sett som kört samtidigt som på Komikaze. En tjej med ett budskap, riktigt bra.
Brian O’Grady är en irländsk komiker som är en ny bekantskap för mig.
Jack Mittleman från Kanada avslutar kvällen.

Värd för det hela är Pete Taggart. Det ser ut att kunna bli en riktigt kul kväll.

En intressant grej på Liffey-hemsidan: Längst ner finns en fotnot ” The Liffey Laffia”. Där listas en mängd komiker, huvudsakligen svenska. Mycket kryptiskt, framgår inte riktigt vad det är. Nu blev jag nyfiken.

Bloggar.se tags: komedi, humor, tomas ahlbeck, standup, stand up, comedy, swedish stand up, swedish standup, Liffey, laughs, The liffey laffia

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Tomas at Liffey’s

Tomas — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 22:40:35 +0000

November 19th and I just have had my first all-english gig. It was at the club Laughs at the Liffey in Stockholm.
When I listen to the audience I think I did quite good.

Bloggar.se tags: humor, humour, comedy, komedi, stand up, standup, Stockholm, Kista, tomas ahlbeck, Liffey

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Mesopotamia

Tomas — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 22:16:30 +0000

Mesopotamia is a misspelling of the cultural zone “Mesopotatia” – the land between the potatoes. Originally regards an area on Ireland where the soil is perfect for the growing of root crop.

Bloggar.se tags: facts, true facts, humor, humour, tomas ahlbeck, kista, ärvinge

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Silence of the lamb

Tomas — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 22:10:30 +0000

The movie “Silence of the Lamb” originally was ment to have the title “Silence of Elam”. It was also supposed to be set in Southwestern Iran, just east of Mesopotamia. In the original story a group of Calvinist Monks was trying to convert the Elam population into christianity, and we the audience could follow their efforts and success when in the final scene the whole population of the Elam city of Anshan sang “My Sweet Lord” in chorus.
The monks were changed into a female FBI agent and the conversion of the Elam population was changed into a chase after a murderer and a kidnapper in order to suit the American audience better. Also a romantic scene in which one of the monks kissed another monk was replaced with a massmurder, due to the graphic nature of the kissing-scene.

Bloggar.se tags: facts, true facts, humor, humour, tomas ahlbeck, kista, ärvinge

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Suburbia 11. The fireworks of Bengtelin

Tomas — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 22:11:50 +0000

When evening came, a huge crowd gathered in the park close to the Community centre. In a corner of the Municipal Sandbox stood Rune Bengthelin with a firm grip of his homemade fireworks.

This was the highlight of his life. Now he would show them what he was worth. He said:
“I will start with a firework that consists not of eight – nay – NINE rockets. They will fill the sky with a cracking and banging and will form the image of a big fountain of light!”

He lit the fuse and hurried away to put himself in safety. There was a skedaddle and some sizzling but instead of a cascade of colours and a fountain of light, there was just a “pffft” and then the fuse went out.

This did not discourage Bengthelin. He put his next collection of fireworks in the sandbox and raised his voice:
“ This firework will go 100 meters (yes, even then the metric system was the one in use in Upland, as in the rest of Sweden), turn in a bow, spit a cascade of green stars and then explode in a rain of orange circles”.

He lit the fuse and ran to cover fast enough to see his rockets hurrying off across the lawn and collide with the podium where mr Mayor now was finishing his speech. The explosion blew the podium in to pieces and mr Mayor was treated a journey up in the air for three or four meters. But alas – there were no stars or circles of light to please the watching crowd.

The crowd now laughed at poor Rune Bengthelin. He, the great pyrotechnician, could not even get some simple rockets off the ground! And for this they had refrained from watching Trinny and Susanna and their escapades among the British fashionhouses on BBC! Some even bent down to lift things off the ground in order to throwthem on Rune. A stone, a pinecone, a handful of gravel.

But our hero did not let this discourage him. He was going to show them!
In a last desperate attempt he gathered all his remaining rockets and bound them toghether with the first charge that had not workde. Now he would be damned if it should not work!

Once again he lit the fuse and held it firm so it would not fall out. This time he would do all to get an explosion!

“This charge will …” He did not get any further until the fireworks literally bombarded them with a fountain of explosions. There was a banging and a whisteling and a howling! And the sky was lit up by circles and stars and some of the fingers that Rune got blown off in the bang.

And when everything was over it was a happy Rune Bengthelin that met the cheering crowd. A few fingers and one eye less – but happy and content. And this day the legend of the Great Pyrotechnician was born. And if he is not dead he probably still is alive.

Bloggar.se tags: humor, satir, satire, humour, tomas ahlbeck, märsta, suburbia

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Suburbia 10: A parade

Tomas — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 12:47:51 +0000

And not only speeches. People were marching around the town square, and a band played music from a podium behind the Cooperation Grocer’s store. And someone waved a pennant and shouted “Hooray!”

“Everyone is welcome to our Community Celebration tonight at 19.00 hrs. At that time hopefully our Mayor will have ended his ongoing speech, and our own Rune Bengthelin will send off a spectacular firework.”
So said the chairman of the local government board to the congregation. And everyone dispersed and went home to theirs. All except the Mayor, who was still standing bravely, holding his speech.

Bloggar.se tags: humor, satir, satire, humour, tomas ahlbeck, märsta, suburbia

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Suburbia 9: A speech in Maersta

Tomas — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 19:02:50 +0000

Yes, there were speeches. In Sweden we love speeches. Not only political speeches. Politicians say they want to ”express their views” and then they do. Noone is capable of stopping them once they have started.

It is a good thing we do not have death penalties in Sweden. Otherwise you could suspect that the hangman’s question ”Do you have any last words?” would end up in a fourteen hours long explication on the legal position concerning frogs and their sexlife.

But then who am I to cast judgement on this? I am not a speaker, I am merely a listener.

Bloggar.se tags: humor, satir, satire, humour, tomas ahlbeck, märsta, suburbia

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Suburbia 8: The Big Day

Tomas — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 18:52:48 +0000

At last – there came the big day. People gathered in thousands to the small village on the plains between Stockholm and Uppsala. By the railroad tracks.

They came from near and far. Not from the TV-show with a similar name, but from the geographical concept. Near and Far were shooting in Bangkok … or Thailand … Ok, Bangkok IS in Thailand? … Ok then, or maybe somewhere in Africa. How should I know, I am not a TV-announcer.

And of course there were speeches.

Bloggar.se tags: humor, satir, satire, humour, tomas ahlbeck, märsta, suburbia

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Suburbia 7: Fireworks

Tomas — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 22:44:26 +0000

But the stubborn young man started his project – manufacturing fireworks. He bought a book on fireworks, and he read it thoroughly. And the people in the village knew that this was indeed a remarkably talented young man, and they all looked forward to the upcoming National Day celebrations. Fireworks and all.

Bloggar.se tags: humor, satir, satire, humour, tomas ahlbeck, märsta, suburbia

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Suburbia 6: The tears of a father

Tomas — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 22:58:47 +0000

Bengtelin allowed the farm to dilapidate. Dilapitate is a good word that I have found on the Internet. There are many good Internet services. Like spam. I don’t like spam. But since I am not a vegetarian I’ll eat it if it is served. He said it would be all right. He would instead of farming start manufacturing great fireworks that he would sell on the town square. Or on the carpark outside the Police Station.He said that the Godless of Fortnum – he ment the Godess of Fortune – smiled towards him and showed him mercy. He said that she would give him happiness in many many months.

”If that is the case”, his father said,” then we will be forced to shoot her and then kill, slaughter and butcher her. And then we will have to eat her my son, since we will have a shortage of food in this house, my beloved son, if you continue to lazy about in this way”.

For they speak in this way on the farms outside of Maersta. At least they did there and then.

And the father of Rune Bengthelin cried. He cried 27 litres full of tears. That is a lot even for those who are not familiar with the metric system. Think of it as a lot. And then add a little more. The father then looked up, wiped his tears, and cried another 14 litres. It was so much that they could have bottled the tears and sold them as a potion for mental healing. But alas, they did not think that far.

This may seem a bit humorous to those not present, but believe me it was not in any way humorous. This is a tragedy, not a burlesque farce.

Bloggar.se tags: humor, humour, satir, satire, märsta, tomas ahlbeck

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Suburbia 5: Also sprach Bengtelin

Tomas — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 22:14:05 +0000

Rune said ”I can make great fireworks myself. I don’t have to buy them in a shop or such. ”

This may come as an abrupt information to you, dear reader, since the topic has not been introduced so far, but nevertheless it is here now. The topic I mean. Rune has not manufactured any fireworks yet in the story. Or has he? Have you dear reader noticed any such information? Let me, – the writer – know if you have.

Bloggar.se tags: humor, humour, satir, satire, märsta, tomas ahlbeck

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Suburbia 4: National day

Tomas — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 13:11:19 +0000

On 6 June the Swedish people celebrate National Day without really knowing why. In other countries they have salutations with canons and different processions. In Sweden we mainly stand a bit embarrassed at the back of a crowd of people at the Skansen Open Air Museum and wave with a small blue and yellow paperflag the size of a napkin glued on to something that looks like a Chinese chopstick. The Japanese chopstick are shorter, so on them there is noplace to glue Swedish napkins.We celebrate our national day because … on his day … it has something to do with Gustaf Vasa. He skied and slept in haystacks. And then his father got his head chopped off in Stockholm. By the evil king of Denmark. But that is not much to celebrate. So I guess the reason for the Swedish National Day is something else.

Gustaf Vasa went from Lübeck to Kalmar. There he watched football before he went through the rest of the south and middle parts of Sweden. Then he came to Stockholm. Maybe he had a meal at Burger King in Norrköping on his way.

He saw farmers in woolen underwear, busty matrons serving wine out of decanters, servants to the Royal Court who had a seemingly gay appearance. But we do not read about this in our history books. When he rode in to Stockholm there were no fireworks, and according to the paintings of Carl Larsson he was riding on a real life Dalecarlia horse. Not bad for a king-to-be.

Gustaf Vasa was a man who liked challenges. He did not settle for being a farmer in a Stockholm-suburb. No sir-ee. He wanted to be KING! And he became just that. What a rolemodel for the suburban children of today. Get yourself a goal, and a horse, and the right set of parents. Before anyone can say Llanfair Caereinion you could be king. Especially if your father is beheaded in the Big Square in Stockholm. By the Evil Danes. Then you have a career.

Gustaf was also good at carving wooden figures. That is not so commonly known. He learned that when he was put in the woodwork shed as a child. Just like Emil from Lönneberga. Gustafs carving of ”Caesar crossing the Rubicon” is a veritable masterpiece. For being a carved stick. But Rubicon is not easy to localise on that stick.

Something reminding of a river or a hippopotamus would help. But Caesar has both arms and legs. And a Dalecarlia goat.

(To be continued)

Bloggar.se tags: humor, humour, satir, satire, märsta, tomas ahlbeck, comedy

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Suburbia 3: Bengthelin

Tomas — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 18:03:11 +0000

Rune Bengthelin was extremely able-bodied.
He worked day and night, all the year around, on his fathers farm.
Well done, Rune!
To be able-bodied is really good to be.
It is probably one of the best things to be, on a scale.But I ask you not to ironize over me when I say that I am not too keen on that phenomenon. It is just not my thing, to be honest. I prefer laziness. I am the happiest and merriest when I find time to be lazy.
I could live for months without doing any work-related arrangement whatsoever, and when that period was over I would feel well-rested enough to – without any major problems – be able to go out for another threemonth-period of sluggishness.
Surprised? Not at all. There are many things in the faith of the modern man – or woman – or child – or mongoose – that could be exchanged for idleness, and the world would manage just fina anyway, thank you.

(To be continued)

Bloggar.se tags: humor, humour, satir, satire, märsta, tomas ahlbeck, comedy

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Suburbia 2: Me

Tomas — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 22:53:55 +0000

I am going to write this story in an almost Russian – or Italian, or French – way. The Russian/Italian/French way to write is based on the fact that you make as many paragraphs, pieces of text, words and phrases you possibly can.That way you fill a page in no time. The faster you can fill a column, the faster you get paid and the more you get paid aswell. A win/win situation, at least for you yourself, if you get paid per word.

But in the case of the story about Rune Bengthelin and his down-to-earth life it has no importance whatsoever. I do not get any payment at all and so I will not refer to this anywhere in the future text.

To mention these things would be – of that I am certain – complete nonsense. And we can’t have any of that, now can we?

(To be continued)

Bloggar.se tags: humor, satir, satire, humour, comedy, tomas ahlbeck, märsta

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Suburbia 1: A nice little suburb.

Tomas — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 14:49:44 +0000

Thrown out on the countryside in the south of Upland, between Stockholm and Uppsala, there lies a small community called Maersta. Maybe you have never been there.
I don’t condemn you if you never been there. You can do just fine even if you never been to Maersta. Actually – millions of Swedes and even more Europeans have never set foot in Maersta, and they are quite happy anyway.

In this small community next to the railroad there lived a man who we can call Rune – Rune Bengthelin. Rune was a farmer.
A farmer with wide shoulders, a wide chest and big muscles. He was ever so content living in the small community that God had thrown out by the railroadtracks.

He used to make jokes about him being able to go in to Stockholm OR Uppsala if he wanted to go in to town. If you lived in Stockholm or Uppsala you had to stay home if you wanted to go in to town. So there.

That was the earthy and easy sence of humour that Rune had been blessed with. You get that if you live in the countryside.

(To be continued)

Bloggar.se tags: humor, satir, satire, humour, comedy, tomas ahlbeck, märsta

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Cadthorpe bans radio-pornography

Tomas — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 21:31:37 +0000

In a statement from the Cadhorpe Town Council sexcommission it was today announced that the council has decided to ban not only the radiopornographic broadcast of ’ Deep inside miss Nordmende’ but all sorts of radiopornography.

- Yes, it is a heck of a nuicance, the spokesman of the sexcommision , Mr/Ms ET Emp-table. To have pornographic relations with a radio can never be right as we see it, since we mean that both parties must agree to having sexual relations. A radio can’t speak, so there. And anyway the radio gets quite soggy the way the boys in the repairshop are going on.

Furthermore it was also announced that the commission at the moment is considering wether women are to be banned from using mobile telephones as vibrator, as the automatic dial-ups programmed by the female comissioners are disturbing the council meetings. That and the moaning.

The same goes for the male commissioners that use miniature cellphones for a similar purpose, in those cases anally.

Bloggar.se tags: humor, satir, comedy, tomas ahlbeck, satire, humour

Tragic accident in Cadthorpe

Tomas — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 21:28:22 +0000

The well-renowned acrobat- and linguist-couple Goran and Evelina Vocable were tragically killed during the celebration of ”The Day of the Steamengine” in Cadthorpe yesterday.

The incident took place when the couple together with a dozen-plus-one other holiday celebrators were waiting for the steamtrain no 4 ”Bertha” to take the group on a one-day excursion to Dimville church village to visit the local stamp-museum.
The origin of it all seems to have been the half-hearted suicide-attempt of Mr Vocable, as he lay down on the railroad track as a protest action over the fact that Mrs Vocable and not he himself got the last fried chipolata sausage. According to passers-by Mrs Vocable succeeded in persuading her husband to stop his suicide-attempt and leave the railroad-area.

Mrs Vocable’s last words were, according to the attending travelling companions, ”Oh, Goran, I am so glad that you have changed your mind. Now let’s get out of here. It can’t be a good idea to sit on the rails. What if there should come a tra…”
Mr and Mrs Vocable leave a son, Dinsdale, who claimed to have done what he could to stop the train, but since his parents had forbidden him to talk to strangers and since he was not formally introduced to the steam-engineer there was actually not much he could do.

Bloggar.se tags: humor, satir, tomas ahlbeck, komedi, comedy, satire

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Vinny Peculiar’s Uniform

Tomas — Fri, 15 May 2009 19:00:50 +0000

Det här bandet – Vinny Peculiar & The Blue Poppies of Ambrosia – hörde jag på Paul Foot’s radioshow på Resonnance FM. Börjar inse att jag nog börjar bli lite VÄL udda nu, eftersom jag faktiskt gillade det.

(Thx for the tip, Paul)

Bloggar.se tags: humor, vinny peculiar, paul foot, youtube

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Tomas, the ventriloquist

Tomas — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 20:50:58 +0000

Watch as the amazing Mr Tomas A shows off his skills as a ventriloquist.

Bloggar.se tags: humor, satir, comedy, komedi, ärvinge,kista,stockholm, youtube

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Tomas does magic

Tomas — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 19:29:45 +0000

Se när den stolte innehavaren av bloggen Tomas Tycker Till visar sina trollerikunskaper på YouTube.

Bloggar.se tags: humor, satir, youtube, kista, ärvinge

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Tomas eats an apple

Tomas — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 13:29:10 +0000

Se när bloggens innehavare äter ett äpple. Spänning på hög nivå.

Bloggar.se tags: humor, mat, ärvinge, kista, stockholm, facebook

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Ekivokt Facebookinlägg

Tomas — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 12:23:13 +0000

Delar av min satiriska blogg Knöstoftamagazinet finns nu på Facebook översatt till engelska. Här är ett av dem.

Bloggar.se tags: bloggosfär, english, humor, ironi, kulturellt, satir, skrivande, erotik, ekivokt

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Russel Brand – knappast en frisyr

Tomas — Sat, 12 Jul 2008 16:31:17 +0000

En brittisk komiker som jag nyligen snubblade över. Snygg frilla, förresten.

Bloggar.se tags: humor, english, frisyr, russel brand, komiker, standup

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A week in paradise – part 1

Tomas — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 21:29:47 +0000

( A few – very few – of my internet friends wanted me to translate something I wrote from Swedish to english. OK – I’ll give it a go)

A WEEK IN PARADISE
At last it was time for us to leave. Already two days before our departure the wife had packed half our apartment in bags – ”well, we must take it with us, what if they don’t have one”, ”you never know if we can get use for it” and so on.
- Dad, can I bring my Gameboy? the youngest asked.
- No you can’t. We don’t have any space for it. You’d better leave it at home.

The youngest looked at me angrily. Then he turned towards his mother.
- Mom, can I bring my Gameboy?
- Yes of course. Put it in daddys backpack.

And so it went on and on. The kids asked ”can I bring this and that” and when I said ”no” they asked the wife who answerred ”yes”. Eventually they did not even bother to go to me first, but just went for the ”yes” at once.
- Oh, what a lot of things we have packed, the wife said surprised when we had put all the packing out into the hallway. Three bags, four backpacks, four plastic bags and one black sack with stuff that we were going to take with us up north ”and leave there so that the children have some things at grandmas and grandpas place next time we visit”, as the wife so intelligently had decided. I said nothing, since there was no point what so ever in commenting. I looked at the sea of bags and backpacks and sighed.
- What? What is it? the wife asked.
- Nooo. Nothing.
- Well, I can see that there is something bothering you. Tell me!
I tried to find mental strength.
- Yes, well … how did you think we could manage to take all that stuff with us?

Of course she had thought of that … aswell.

- The children will have to take one backpack each, I will take one of the suitcases and two of the shoppingbags. You can take the other suitcase, the fourth backpack and two of the shoppingbags.
-And the plastic sack?
The wife sighed.
- Why do you always have to find problems? OK, but we will solve that … too!

With an attempt of positive naivity that would make inspector Cluseau seem practical she smiled widely. For a moment I forgot who I was talking to, and made a remark.
- You know that we are going to WALK to the underground, don’t you? And then we will have to walk from city underground station to the railroad station. And when we get to Östersund we will have to change to the bus. With an ocean of bags, backpacks and a bloody big plastic sack!

My wife sighed at my comment.
- Yes, well if it is so very problematic, then maybe we should stay at home instead? I don’t HAVE to meet my parents. The children don’t HAVE to see their grandparents.

I recognised this. This often happened when the henpecked husband tried to stress something obvoius, like the fact that two grownups and three children could not pack a fiveroom-flat into plastic bags and bring it with them on the train to Lapland.
- Yes, of course, I answerred with enough shame to make it sound credible, as if I admitted to be the crook in the drama. But can’t we just have one quick look again and see what we can leave behind, what we maybe could buy when we get there? Like this spread cheese, do we HAVE to bring that?
- What spreadcheese? the wife asked.
- I want spreadcheese, the sixyear old interposed. I like it, it tastes great. And I don’t think they have that in Lapland. You can only buy spreadcheese here in Stockholm, I am certain of that.
The wife and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes. Kids! Pffft!
As the good parents we are we sighed, threatened the children that they certainly would NOT get any candy if we missed the train – ”it does not matter because I have my own, so there” was the answer from the tenyearsold – and started to re-pack.

(To be continued)

Bloggar.se tags: engelska, författande, skrivande

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